Some time ago, an email arrived with a simple but profound question:
„Dear ladies and gentlemen,
I have been suffering since my husband committed suicide.
How can I bear the suffering?
Thanks and best wishes.“
That sounded serious and suggested great distress. There was a deep despair in these manageable sentences. The minimalist content suggested that the author was not just trying to express his heartache.
Without much ado, without exaggerated tragedy or expressions of pity, someone typed his despair into the keyboard and formulated his request for help succinctly and precisely: „I am suffering! How can I bear it? Thank you. Best wishes.“ He was only looking for an answer in the hope of pain relief.
I was impressed and touched at the same time. And although I am usually inclined to waste both time and leisure in answering ‚life questions‘,“ I felt the need to send a few lines back immediately.
It was clear to me: Leander Crohn did not want any flat, esoteric babble. He already knew all this. I had the feeling that he had covered all the usual topics in intellectual, religious and spiritual fields.
As it turned out in the course of our subsequent „conversations,“ the feeling turned out to be correct.
Leander Crohn and I have never met in person, neither face to face, nor on the phone or during an online meeting. We don’t actually know each other, and yet we are spiritually close. Our encounters took place on a spiritual level and are expressed in the written word. And one more thing: this is not a story born of mere imagination. All of this was revealed truthfully and vividly in the lives of two people living in this world.
The email exchange between me and Leander Crohn will be published here over the next few weeks and months at variable but binding intervals. Because in a world full of tragedy and drama, a world in which the sword of Damocles of transience constantly hangs over us, many people ask themselves exactly this question:
„How can I bear the suffering?“
Hans-Peter Dannenberg (Thundering Silence)
Mail 1
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have been suffering since my husband committed suicide.
How can I bear the suffering?
Thanks and kind regards,
Leander Crohn
Answer
Hello Leander Crohn,
I don’t know.
I could offer you some pleasant-sounding platitudes from various areas of spirituality, but that wouldn’t help you. So I don’t want to fool you and repeat:
I don’t know, because I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you. I don’t know what makes you tick inside, I don’t know where you stand, I don’t know anything about your life.
You are basically asking THE big question of humanity: how can I bear suffering? There are answers to this. But there is not the ONE answer for all of us. Everyone has their own path.
Death is a big challenge. And if it is the suicide of a loved one, then there is usually another lump that is hard to swallow: GUILT.
I don’t know you, so I don’t know whether and how you have already looked into the question. Perhaps you are in a self-help group, or are currently in therapy?
In my opinion, mental training is ultimately the only way. The problem lies in the mind…and also the solution. Only in the mind answers can be found. The truth about suffering, about death, about guilt and – most importantly – about yourself. Freedom is always the freedom of the mind. That is where we have to look. Not out there in the matrix, the world of madness.
I would like to assure you of one thing: the „reality of the world“ is different from how it appears in our imagination. „Imaginations take precedence over reality,“ Zen master Harry Mi Sho Teske once said.
„There is an end of suffering,“ preaches the Buddha. And it is worth pursuing this daring statement. Jesus promised the same thing. And where the two also agreed was the point that the suffering that makes us so desperate and breathless is, on the other hand, the gateway to peace and can be found nowhere else but in the mind.
Life is constantly presenting us with lessons. If we pass them, great. If not, we are presented with them again. Until we get it.
Be careful. I’m just noticing how I’m slipping dangerously close to the platitudes mentioned above. That’s why I’d better end here.
One last tip: look for a path, your way. Feel inside yourself – what seems right to you. Research and discover. Where do you notice resonance!? Buddhism, Christ, Advaita Vedanta, or whatever. Look closely. And maybe you can open yourself up to a path.
A teacher can also be helpful for a while.
I apologize for not being able to offer you anything concrete in your time of need. But you are your own person, unique. You need a „plan“ that is unique to you.
Please get in touch if you need it!
I wish you and your husband all the best from the bottom of my heart.
Hans-Peter Dannenberg
**Addition:**
How can I endure suffering? This question contains a serious error! At least from a spiritual point of view. It implies that suffering is an irrevocable fact in our lives and we can only try to find a way to endure it, to accept it.
Suffering is an invention of the ego. It is nothing more than a persistent misunderstanding.
Instead of: „How can I endure suffering?“, it should be: „What is the cause of suffering?“. Because if you know the cause, you are simultaneously given the means to be free from suffering.
By the way: the sender’s name has been changed.
Mail 2
Hello Mr Dannenberg,
You have helped me a lot with your words.
I expect psychotherapy.
A circle of friends is supportive.
I always felt drawn to the Far Eastern worldview.
No answer here and now, that is a strange relief for me.
Spiritual reality does not allow for words.
That is why it seems undervalued to me.
I would like to get in touch for my „further plan“ that you are formulating.
With thanks and kind regards
Leander Crohn
Mail 2 answer
Dear Leander Crohn!
The „further plan“ has already been formulated. However, neither by me nor by you.
At least not by the part that you consider to be Leander.
I would like to accompany you in this. And perhaps together we can identify the resistance that is likely to arise and find a helpful way of dealing with it.
Psychotherapy is mostly about helping you deal with yourself. How do I deal with my fears in everyday life, with my grief, with all the emotional pitfalls that push me to the limits of what I can bear? Often traumatic events are uncovered and examined. The therapist then tries to find ways to deal with them in a healthy, healing way together with the person affected.
What we want to do is train the mind. The mind is the creator of our world of experience. And only the mind!
And to get straight to the point: it is not external circumstances, conditions, events or people that are responsible for our suffering. NEVER! Never! Never!
„Yes…but,“ I often hear.
No „Yes…but.“
Judging by your words, I think this is no news to you. You already thought of it. You suspect it. But what should you do with this suspicion? Look! At the source, mind, God, Buddha, etc. Train the mind.
Psychotherapy and mental training go well together for a while. Both can be mutually beneficial for a while. It’s not about fighting the ego and possibly trying to get rid of it. That’s what spiritual circles like to propagate. But it’s complete nonsense. It’s more about questioning the dominance of the ego and pushing it from the front row back to its assigned place.
That’s it for today.
I’d like to suggest an „exercise“ to you the next time we meet. A mental exercise. It’s going to be exciting because:
„The ball that’s now rolling will pick up speed.
Best wishes from the north,
Hans-Peter Dannenberg
Mail 3: The mind! A false prophet!
Hello Mr. Dannenberg, Your words in responding to my inquiries open my interest.
I thank you for that. After some reflection, I feel that excessive restraint can be stupid. I’m currently receiving the email. For this reason, I think that information via email, which may be public anyway, is important for starting a helpful exchange. This is still important to me at the moment. We’ll see what happens next. So a few quick facts:
1. Age 66
2. Study
3. Diploma
4. World views open
5. More of a loner
6. Introverted
7. Seeking “meaning” for 66 years
8. Interested in metaphysics, transcendence
9. No “answers”
10. No “judgments”
11. Philosophy, “Theology”
At the moment I feel that rationality and irrationality are equally important. Monism and dualism worth considering. Search for „salvation“ thoughtfully. Search for “Savior” very questionable. Suffering from transience cannot be rationally overcome. Unable to cope with suffering at all. Acceptance is important, but not accessible to me. Still. I feel that this initial information can initially provide access and be enough. Thank you for your efforts and helpful openness.
Kind regards
Mail 3 Answer
Dear Mr. Crohn!
You have given me a few key points about yourself. Thank you for that.
I would like to find out more about you.
Would you be willing/able to tell me what you understand by “love”?
What does “happiness” mean to you?
What disappoints you?
What hurts you?
Are there moments when you feel “one” with everything? Connected?
Do you believe that we have “free will”?
These are very personal questions. If you don’t want to answer me, that’s fine, of course. But I would recommend that you take the questions yourself and “dig” as deeply as possible.
Especially the question about “love”.
And last but not least, a “koan”:
“Who were you before your parents were born?”
And as another “last but not least” idea:
“What if there is nothing “out there”?”
With kind regards,
Hans-Peter Dannenberg
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